How to Support a Friend or Family Member Experiencing Domestic Abuse

Domestic abuse can be difficult to recognise and even harder to talk about. If a friend or family member confides in you that they are experiencing abuse, your response can make a significant difference. They may be feeling frightened, isolated, ashamed or uncertain about what to do next. Knowing that someone believes them, listens without judgement and is willing to help can be an important first step towards safety and recovery.

The Government’s ENOUGH campaign highlights the importance of recognising abusive behaviour, challenging attitudes that allow abuse to continue and helping people access support. Its message is clear - abuse should never be dismissed or excused, and everyone has a role to play in helping to stop it.

But what should you do if someone you care about tells you they are experiencing domestic abuse - and how can you support them while respecting their choices and helping them understand their options?

Recognising Domestic Abuse

Domestic abuse is not always physical. It can involve a pattern of behaviour intended to control, intimidate, manipulate or frighten another person. It can happen in relationships, between former partners and between family members, regardless of age, gender, background or circumstances.

Abuse may include:

• Emotional or psychological abuse, such as humiliation, persistent criticism, manipulation or gaslighting
• Coercive or controlling behaviour, including dictating what someone wears, who they see or where they go
• Economic abuse, such as controlling access to money, taking wages or preventing someone from working
• Physical or sexual abuse, including assault, intimidation, threats or sexual activity without consent
• Harassment and stalking, including repeated unwanted contact, monitoring someone's movements or tracking them online

The signs are not always obvious. Someone may become withdrawn, stop seeing friends, appear anxious around their partner or make excuses for another person's behaviour. They may also seem reluctant to talk about their relationship.

It is important not to make assumptions, but you do not need proof of abuse to express concern or offer support.

1. Listen, believe and offer reassurance

If someone tells you they are experiencing domestic abuse, it can be difficult to know what to say. You may feel shocked, angry or worried about their safety. However, try to remain calm and give them the space to explain what is happening in their own time.

The Government's ENOUGH campaign encourages people to respond to disclosures of abuse with three simple principles - Listen. Believe. Support.

These principles are a helpful starting point:

Listen: Give them your full attention and let them speak without interruption. Avoid pressing them for details they are not ready to share

Believe: Take what they tell you seriously. Avoid questioning their account, minimising their experience or suggesting that they have misunderstood the situation

Support: Reassure them that they are not alone, that the abuse is not their fault and that help is available when they are ready

Simple statements can be reassuring, such as:

• “I'm glad you told me”
• “I believe you”
• “You don't deserve to be treated like this”
• “This isn't your fault”
• “I'm here for you, and we can work through your options together”

Avoid asking why they stayed, why they did not leave sooner or whether they did something to provoke the abuse. These questions can unintentionally reinforce feelings of guilt or shame.

2. Respect their choices and avoid putting pressure on them

One of the most important things you can do is allow your friend or family member to make their own decisions.

You may feel that leaving the relationship is the obvious solution. However, leaving an abusive partner can be complicated and, in some circumstances, can increase the risk of harm. There may be concerns about children, finances, housing, immigration status, emotional attachment or what the abuser might do in response.

Telling someone to leave immediately, issuing ultimatums or criticising them if they remain in the relationship may make them feel more isolated.

Instead, ask what they need from you. They may want someone to listen, help finding specialist advice, practical assistance or simply reassurance that you will continue to support them.

You could say, “You don't have to make any decisions today. When you're ready, I can help you explore the options available.”

Your role is not to take control of the situation but to help them regain a sense of control over their own life.

3. Take their safety seriously

If someone discloses domestic abuse, it is important to consider their immediate safety. Ask whether they feel safe at home and whether they are worried about what might happen if their partner discovers they have spoken to you.

If they are in immediate danger, call 999.

Where there is no immediate emergency, you can help them consider practical steps towards staying safe.

Depending on their circumstances, this might include:

• Identifying a trusted person or safe place they can turn to
• Agreeing on a code word they can use if they need help
• Keeping important documents, medication, keys and essential items accessible, if it is safe to do so
• Seeking specialist advice about a personalised safety plan
• Considering whether their phone, online accounts or location are being monitored

Be mindful of digital safety. An abusive partner may have access to messages, call logs, emails or shared accounts. Do not send information about support services or make arrangements on a device you suspect is monitored without first considering whether it is safe.

Do not confront the alleged abuser or arrange a meeting to challenge their behaviour without specialist advice. This could escalate the situation or place your loved one at greater risk.

4. Help them access specialist support

You do not need to have all the answers. Specialist domestic abuse organisations can provide confidential advice, discuss available options and help someone plan for their safety.

You could offer to research services with them, sit with them while they make a call or accompany them to an appointment if they would find that helpful.

In England, the National Domestic Abuse Helpline, run by Refuge, is available free of charge, 24 hours a day, on 0808 2000 247. Friends and family members can also contact the helpline for advice on supporting someone they are worried about.

Other options may include a domestic abuse support service, a GP, the police, a local authority or a solicitor with experience in domestic abuse and family law.

Let your loved one decide which options they feel comfortable exploring, unless an emergency requires immediate action.

5. Understand the legal options available

For someone experiencing domestic abuse, understanding their legal rights can help them make informed decisions about their future. However, legal action is a personal decision, and it is important not to pressure them into taking steps before they feel ready.

Depending on their circumstances, legal options may include:

Protective court orders

In England and Wales, the family courts can make protective orders in appropriate cases. These may include non-molestation orders, which can prohibit an abuser from using or threatening violence, intimidating, harassing or pestering someone, and occupation orders, which can regulate who may live in or enter a home.

Whether an order is appropriate will depend on the circumstances. A solicitor can explain the relevant requirements, the application process and any available legal aid.

Arrangements involving children

Where children are involved, domestic abuse may be relevant to decisions about child arrangements and contact. A solicitor can explain the legal process and help someone understand how safeguarding concerns may be considered.

Housing and financial concerns

An abusive relationship can leave someone financially vulnerable or uncertain about their housing rights. Advice may be available about occupation of the family home, housing assistance, financial arrangements following separation and access to benefits or other support.

Reporting abuse to the police

Domestic abuse may involve criminal offences, and a person can report incidents to the police. They may also seek specialist advice about their options before deciding how to proceed. If someone is in immediate danger, call 999.

A solicitor experienced in family law and domestic abuse can provide advice tailored to the person's circumstances and help them understand the options available without making decisions on their behalf.

6. Keep supporting them, even if progress feels slow

Supporting someone experiencing domestic abuse is rarely a single conversation. They may need time to process what has happened, seek advice or decide what they want to do. They may also change their mind or return to the relationship.

Try not to interpret this as a rejection of your help. Maintaining a supportive, non-judgemental relationship can be invaluable, particularly if the person has been isolated from friends and family.

Continue checking in, where it is safe to do so. Offer practical help, such as childcare, transport, somewhere to stay or assistance with appointments, if you are able to provide it.

At the same time, remember to look after your own wellbeing. Supporting someone through abuse can be emotionally demanding, and you can seek advice from specialist services yourself without needing to disclose more information than necessary.

Please do not hesitate to contact our specialist team on 0800 5424245 or info@sillslegal.co.uk if you need guidance on how to support another person or if you are experiencing Domestic Abuse yourself.